Prongs the PI
by parakeetwuvs
Summary: James has decided to make a journal of Lily observations. Well, it's more like stalking, but let's not ruin his fun hmm? part of my name series
1. Chapter 1

AN: Yes I know I have other things to work on, but I don't wanna! :D so bleh. :P

DISCLAIMER: really? Need I explain this again?

_Last Monday I decided that I was going to create a lovely account of the most beauteous Lily Flower's daily activities, for future perusal and reference. I have decided to accomplish this by observing her beautiful self on the Marauder's Map, or by watching her in person. Though my Lily watch journal shall be quite extensive, I have decided to share only a few tales with your unworthy eyes. The rest are at home in a private journal made for mine own eyes. And mine alone. This means you Padfoot! Without further ado, I, Messer James Godric Potter (AKA Prongs) Present to thee, "Prong's Private Eye"._

_Jan. 23, 11:45 AM _

_Am hiding behind a couch watching subject in the common room. Subject is tossing her red hair over her shoulder. Only some of it is going over. She's soooo hot. I'm drooling on my post I think. Her hair is tangling a bit where she tried to throw it over, it's so pretty. It looks very soft. I want to touch it…._

"POTTER! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

*SLAP* _….ouch…._

_Jan. 23, 12:43 PM_

_Oh Lily Evans I love you so! _

_Your hair is red like pretty copper_

_Your eyes give me the gingle hoppers_

_Your freckles excite my soul!_

_Oh Lily Evans I love you so!_

_This is the poem I have recently composed for the most beautiful Lily Flower. I left it inside of a bouquet for her to find. It's forty dozen lilies. I hope I bought enough. I even bought a vase for them, though I suppose I should have made it collapsible, because I haven't the faintest idea how she'll store it when it isn't in use… OOOHH! She found it… I hope she likes it. Oh, you know I heard she likes birds, maybe I'll do something with birds next… Oh! She's coming over here! She doesn't look angry she must've liked the flowers! I even put a charm on them so they will never wilt, that way she can always look at them and know how much I love her. _

"Potter…"

"Yes my sweet smelling darling?"

"What is a gingle hopper?"

"It's like a goose bump except purple and gross and probably deadly. See?"

"That's disgusting Potter"

_Jan. 23, 9:13_

_My sweet flower is getting ready for bed now. At first I was curious as to why she was going to bed so late, but I heard one o the first years ask Moony and he told her that Lily went to bed early because she wasn't feeling well. I know from previous observations that at this point my sweet flower is having "that time of the month". When Lily has her time, she's almost as bad a Remus on the full moon._

_According to her usual activities at this time of month, Lily is 2 days into her monthly cycle, which means she is not very moody, but is in much pain. I'll have to remember to send her a blood replenishing potion. According to Sirius, anything that bleeds so much every month and doesn't die has to be evil. Then Moony reminded him of his furry little problem. But Sirius still thinks women are evil._

_Anyway, since its only 9:20 now, she won't be sleeping. She's still up getting her hot water bottle from the house elves and looking for her pain potion. Not that she'll find it. I have it on good information that her roommate Alice is addicted to pain potions, something about Sirius' cousin Bellatrix. But there won't be any, I suppose it's not Alice's fault if Bellatrix did something to her, but really, get your own. _

_Ugh, I have a wedgie. Hold on… All better. Now where was I? Oh yes, potions._

_I'm going to go up to see Lily now, I'll take her some supplies she'll need. Then I'm going to have a talk with Sirius about Bellatrix and Alice._

"Potter, how the bloody hell did you get into the girls dormitory?"

"I have my ways Lily flower. Anyway, I brought you a present."

"I'm not in the mood to put up with your antics right now Potter, I'm not feeling well."

"It'll make you feel better."  
"Alright let's get this over with…."

"Potter… How did you know I was out of pain potion? And what is this? Madame Betties blood restorative? What am I supposed to use this for?"

"Well I figured if you lose too much blood you could die, but keep looking, there's other stuff too."

"Chocolate. Are you sure this won't explode? Alright. Flowers? How original Potter. Oh, a hot water bottle? How did you know Potter?"

"Yea, I enchanted it to stay hot for up to 12 hours so you wouldn't have to get out of bed. And there's also a little hole, see? That you can put your wand into to adjust the temperature. And if you want to reset it just put your wand in the hole, and say '_rehorten'_ and it will heat up. And the chocolate box has been enchanted to be never-ending. I stole the charm from Moony, but I enchanted it myself. And now my sweet smelling flower, do I get a kiss for my pains?"

"….Get out Potter."


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Horace is my own creation, but not based off of a real being. So don't ask. ;) I'm also pondering making a fic for some past Valentine's Pranks Prongs has pulled. It would be an add as want sort of thing, No necessary timeline, start, or finish. If I made this fic, it would be a community fic. A just for fun story where you (the readers) would pm me chapters they would write themselves and I would post and give credit. Let me know what you think and send in chapters if you like it!

Disclaimer: Not mine. Must we go over this again?

_Jan. 29, 3:45 PM_

_Subject (AKA My Lily Flower) has recovered nicely from her womanly problems. She is now looking quite as lovely and ravishing as ever. In fact, maybe more. She has a small pimple today. It's right on that little dip under her nose and above her lip in the middle. It's very small and not even white in the middle. Now, most PIs aren't very fond of pimples. Apparently they are gross. But this PI doesn't think that._

_It's not like I have a fetish or anything, I just don't think they are gross. Just more of her to love I think. I can see her rubbing it self consciously occasionally, like it embarrasses her, but I think she should relax. She makes that zit look beautiful. I wonder if she's named it. I name my zits usually. Of course, I don't like them so much when they're on _my _body. _

_Once, I had a pimple I named Horace, after Professor Slughorn. I wasn't doing it to be disrespectful, I just though it looked like him. It was HUGE! It was probably at least the size of a galleon. It was located juuust to the right of my arse crack, and Sirius said it was a jewel in the rough. I personally thought it was the largest non-magically induced pus-filled pustule that had ever appeared on my body. In fact, I was quite proud. _

_But I digress. The beautiful Lily flower has a sweet smelling bud on her upper lip, and I think it makes her all the more beautiful. Like I said, more of her to love. _

_Oh, the silly bird, she's trying to cover it again. _

"Lily Flower, you look ravishing today!"

"Go away Potter."

"Why Lily flower? I only wanted to tell you how pretty you look with that beauty mark upon your lip."

"What? How rude!"

"I think I'll name you…. Ethelred!"

"Potter!"

*SLAP*

…_.I'm having a sense of déjà vu…_

_Feb. 5, 4:57 AM_

_Saint Valentine's Day will soon be here…I wonder….what Lily wants….Maybe…chocolate?...zzzzz...zzzzzz...zzzzz...WHA? I'm awake! I'm awake! HAhahahahahahaha it's just Peter snoring. That was really loud! I thought someone was yelling at me! Hahaha. I'm still kinda tired though. I think I'll go to bed. I'll plan some other night._

*Lily twitches in her bed, ignorant of her narrow miss*

_Feb. 6, 9:23 PM_

_Yesterday morning I had a strange dream that I was writing about Lily. Oh! It's true. Haha. Oh, that reminds me, Saint Valentine's Day! The day of lovers, shaggers, ponces and the like. At one time I was not a lover of Valentine's Day. In fact, I quite detested it. I think that to illustrate this point I should include a small sample of valentine's pranks I have played._

_Feb. 14, Age: 8 _Hogwarts: elementary division _(AKA the Day I Met Sirius Black)_

_I called this prank "The Valentine's Day Massacre". Since I was five I've had this habit of naming my better pranks. Not the ones like putting dung bombs in the teachers wing, but good ones, like charming all of the food in the great hall to look like Snape's head (Valentine's prank 2__nd__ year). To be completely honest, at the time I didn't even know what the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre was, much less that it actually happened in America. I just thought it sounded cool._

_The prank itself was rather simple; I painted the Hogwarts E cafeteria with dragon blood and then placed hunks of meat around the hall. These hunks were of varying sizes, shapes, and species and I nicked them from the kitchens. Some of them were whole carcasses, it was great! I also called in a favor from Hagrid the night before. He was drunk, and I suppose I shouldn't have used him like that, but I was too young to know better (hahahahaahahahahaa yea right)._

_Anyway I convinced Hagrid to lend me some dead animals and gnomes that he had to feed the hippogriffs. They were all bloody and gross but had been spelled to stay fresh indefinitely. I snuck into the older division of Hogwarts and stole all of the weapons from the suits of armor and smeared them all with dragon blood. I stuck said weapons into the scattered hunks of meat, smeared some hamburger on the walls, and took my leave. All of this I accomplished in four hours, WITHOUT magic. Quite the feat, if I do say so myself._

_The overall effect was, to put it bluntly, gruesome. And quite brilliant. In fact, It's how I met Sirius. I had no idea of course who he was at the time, he and his parents were passing through the school to see Sirius' teachers. Even though he was homeschooled for elementary school he still had to be present for some of the examinations._

_Had it been anyone BUT Sirius I would have been in some deeeeeeeeep shit. Seriously (hahahahaha siriusly get it?) It was a _bad_ first impression. _

_I was standing in the middle of the chaos and it was AMAZING! Every single girl in the room was crying, even the teachers! Back then all the teachers were really squeamish, I haven't the faintest idea why. There was dragon blood dripping from the ceiling and this one girl was bawling hysterically because it got in her hair. I think it was actually Alice. Yea, it was Alice, Frank's girl. She came up to me all pissed off with these dark red pigtails that were supposed to be blonde and started yelling and throwing hunks of carnage at me. _

_At first I thought it was hysterical you know? I mean, this crazy bird comes up to you and her pigtails are all bloody but shes not hurt and she's screaming and throwing raw meat at you. And it was great! Until a chunk of gnome spleen hit me in the face. Then it was on. I screamed "BLOODY MEAT FIGHT!" and started throwing bits of rat and ferret every which way._

_After about twenty minutes of raw meat fighting managed to create a meat slingshot out of a broken mace and some poor bloke's pants. Don't ask me how he lost them because I actually do know. But if you want to hear the story you have to beg my friend Parawuvs. _

_So I had this huge, bad-ass, and I do mean bad-ass, which is normally an American saying but I think is applicable here, slingshot with meaty ammo. I managed to nick one of the professor's wands and spell my raw ammunition to scream and bleed whenever it hit someone. And guess who was my first and last victim?_

_That's right boys and girls, it was Sirius Orion Black. _

_Oh goodness, look at the time! I have to get to bed early tonight, I think Sirius and Moony are gonna go at it, they're making those "eyes" again. I wanna be sleeping before that happens. Ta!_


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Hey there, Parawuvs here, with another chapter of Prongs the PI! And in case none of you noticed… NO one commented on the last chapter! :O I thought I was going to cry. I even lost the will to write for a few days, honestly. So, I will ask again. What do you think of a prank journal? I would accept submissions and add chapters of my own. I'd also like some in-put as to what James should do for Valentine's day. Till next time loves, Ta!

DISCLAIMER: It's J.K.'s I swear!

_Feb. 9, 3:45 PM_

_A few days ago I graced my Flower observation journal with the story of my first meeting with my fellow marauder, Sirius Black. And I do know that stories such as those do not belong in such a journal, so I am pondering the Idea of a prank note book as well, however, I do need to speak with my fellow marauders about this topic. In other news, I have yet to finish planning my Valentine's day surprise for dear Lily flower._

_I have created a list of ideas that I may or may not choose to enact. _

_Magically paste pictures of Lily's face all over the great hall_

_Spike breakfast with Polyjuice potion. Fill school with Lily look alikes_

_Send Magical singing lilies_

_Flowers (Moony's idea)_

_Candy (Moony's idea)_

_Send a card the size of Hagrid that follows her around and sings_

_A nice, non-magical or at least non-annoyingly magical card (Moony's idea)_

_Send her a home-made, non-magically made cake (Wormtail's idea)_

_Serenade her_

_Propose _

_Bring her home for a nice, home cooked dinner with candles and soft, romantic music (Mum's idea)_

_Dress like super-man (Padfoot's idea)_

_Leave her alone for a day (Minnie's idea)_

_Tattoo my entire body with permanent pink, red, and purple hearts that say "I Love Lily Evans" when poked or prodded_

_Drown in the great lake (My precious flower's idea)_

_Jump off the astronomy tower (Snivelous's idea)_

_Slip her a love potion_

_Snog her senseless unpredictably_

_Give her a kitten_

_Transfigure Snivelous into something gross and slimy_

_And now for my thoughts on these plans_

_This is an interesting idea I think. It would take time, but it would definitely be possible. I would have to create my own permanent sticking charm. I would have to be sure to cover every non-moving surface, and make the sticking charm un-moveable by anyone but myself. I do however, feel that this is rather un-original and over used. I did this two years ago, and I don't think Lily Flower would be impressed by a recycled act of worship. My rating? I give it a six out of ten._

_I also like this idea. Filling the school with Lily look-alikes seems like it would create heaven for me. But I do think it would get much too confusing. And besides, what if I mistook a member of the male gender for my flower? I give it a 4, but I have to remember to try it on another day._

_Way over done 3 out of 10._

_Also un-original but better proven I suppose. I'll give it a 6._

_This would require research. While I do think it is a good idea, I doubt the possibility of extracting information from Lily or any of her associates. Were it possible I'd give it a 7. However, I also think that it is too small of a reverence to be paid, so it would be crucial to combine this plan with another._

_Good idea. Very good idea. I give it a 7. But what song…?_

_Ehhhhh…. I don't very well know about this one. I think maybe this one would be good, but it would be one of those that would need to be combined. I think instead of a non-magical card, I would make a larger card, not the size of Hagrid, but maybe the size of an Arithmancy book… I could draw the picture myself and enchant it to move. Maybe cupids or flowers or something else suitably girly. I think this idea has the possibility to become a 10 if combined with something else. However it could be a flop and be a 1._

_I can't bake. And what's the point of it if I don't make it? 3 out of 10._

_No good. Over done. And last time I tried she put me in the Hospital ward for almost a month.2 out of 10._

_I did that last year. I still have the ring, someday it will grace her finger when she is Mrs. Potter. It WAS rather expensive though, so I think I'll hold off till I think she'll accept. Last year she took it and threw it off the astronomy tower. I cried. Soooo… not gonna happen. I'm not even gonna rate it._

_This one was Mum's idea. I kind of like it, I heard girls like things like this. But I'm not entirely sure I could get clearance to leave school grounds. Besides, Mum just wants to spy on us. All the same I give it a 9, even though it isn't possible._

_Note to self: inquire as to whom this Super-man person is. No rating._

_No good. No one would benefit from this. Lily and I would both go insane from separation anxiety. 0 out of 10._

_I like it. But don't muggle tattoos hurt a lot? 7 out of 10._

_Not possible. Last time Lily Flower told me to drown in the lake, the Giant Squid saved me. I tried, I really did, but the stupid animal kept tossing me back on shore. No offense to the Giant Squid. I 3 the Gian Squid! Not possible 0 out of 10._

_Not gonna happen Snivelous, I'll push you off instead though. Now that's an idea… I give that revised plan 10 out of 10._

_Illegal. And it's rather too late to make one. No rating._

_Though I'd like to give it a 10 out of 10 I think I would die._

_Where would I get a kitten? Lily doesn't even like cats.0 out of 10._

_Must be done. Maybe a Salamander? 11 out of 10._

_Ah, well I'll need to think this over. Ta then journal._


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Don't worry! It's (probably) not over! ;) enjoy please.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Duh.

**Feb. 11, 11:43 am**

_**Hey all, Padfoot here. Messer. Prongs is slightly out of commission due to certain circumstances. He asked me, that nancy, to record what he dictates. He would like me to note, first and foremost, that he DID end up getting some muggle tattoos. Only a few though. Apparently the plan was to get his entire body covered in them.**_

_**Thankfully enough, the tattoo bloke only had time to finish his left buttock before he passed out. Prongs I mean, not the tattoo man. He stopped when Prongs fainted. **_

–_**Oh, Messer. Prongs would like it to be noted that he did not faint, thank you very much. He passed out from loss of blood.**_

_**-Messer. Padfoot**__**would like to note that there was no blood. He was there. And Messer. Prongs cried like a little girl.**_

_**Anyway, Messer Prongs has a very sore bottom and cannot sit well. And while I, personally, am rather fond of the bugger, Madame Pomfrey has had quite enough of him for one century. Thankfully, Mme. Pomfrey says he'll be here for a week or two while he's healing, and as such, will not be able to torture-I mean pursue poor-I mean lovely Evans-I mean Lily. Ow. **_

_**Journal! He hurt me!**_

_**Oh, hey, It's Evans-I mean Lily… She's holding a limping Alice. I wonder what's wrong with her. Oh- Messer. Padfoot is to note that Messer. Prongs needs to speak to him about Alice and Bellatrix. –Hey what?**_

"Hey, Evans, what's goin' on?"

"Shove off Black."

"Ouch Rosie, that hurt."

"I certainly hope so."

"Hey, can I show you something? It'll only take a minute, and it'll guarantee you a peaceful Valentine's Day."

"Did Potter die?"

"No, but it's similar enough. He tried to cover his entire body with 'I love Lily Evans' tattoos, but the artist only got so far before he faint- sorry, he 'passed out'."

"Why did they start with his left butt cheek?"

Feb. 14, 4:23 am

_*sob* I'm stuck up here in the hospital wing with no lovely Lilies to keep me company. *sob* *sob* *sob* No I'm not crying journal! I have the hiccups. *sob*- I mean *hic* Madame Pomfrey's sleeping, the old cow. Keeping me locked up in here while I should be enchanting the entire school to sing Lily's praises! *sob* Oh! I have an idea! I must get started!_

"Lily, what's wrong?"

"I don't know Alice, I just woke up with this terrible feeling of premonition."

"What, like we're all gonna be murdered in our bed's or something?"

"No, like I'm going to murder Potter in his bed or something."

Feb. 14, 11:45 am

_**Hello, Padfoot here again. This journal has been confiscated and the owner has been forced to undergo counseling. He will get it back once he's undergone several months of therapy.**_


End file.
